I will take you back to December 21st, 2016.
We received a phone call from CYFD to take a 13 yr girl. Her past was run away and bounces from house to house due to her anger. Of course, I was nervous, but I also thought I could give this child a place to stay for the week. It was almost Christmas; she didn’t deserve to be alone regardless of the situation.
She comes into our house, and I just remember her acting as if nothing was going to bother her. She grabbed a gift and opened it. I remained silent. I thought to myself observe her and allow her to settle in. I knew she was going to test the water. It is typical for any child to do so.
Within three weeks of being in our home, she came to us and asked if we could adopt her. I felt so honored, and we explained to her that it was fresh and just go with the flow. We also told her that we were very open to adopting her but let some time pass. We made sure to leave that thought open in our heads. We immediately thought about it, and of course, she was a great kid, but it was so new to us. We questioned the age. Not that long ago we were that age. We examined her past. Before anyone who is closed minded reads this…. remembers the past can repeat its self. We thought about how new this was too.
We both loved the thought of having her as our forever child. So nervous!
February 2017 Julian and I are talking about Nate and Kyleigh going home soon. I decided to bring up the adoption. I am so glad I did. Julian isn’t the type to speak up first, so when I mentioned it, he was very pleased to know I felt the same way. We were ready to have her as our forever child.
We talked to our teen, and of course, she was thrilled. Her excitement showed everywhere we went. She was proud to become our daughter, and we felt so blessed.
We have always had issues with her bullying other children. We would always address the situation, and it seemed to be dying down. Her bad habits were slowly disappearing. Now I know we weren’t going to have a perfect child, but I wanted to make sure her major bad habits were nipped in the bottom before she thought we were okay with that type of behavior.
She seemed to be growing in such a positive way. Such a beautiful young girl. I love so very much. I was proud of her. She had come so far. Proved to so many people that she could change for the better.
We started the adoption process in May 2017. We received a call that July 5th, 2017 was the BIP at 3 pm. It was such an exciting moment. We went out to dinner discuss our future as a family.
We were preparing her to be our forever child. Considering college situations, setting up her bank account, getting her a cell phone and planning big family vacations. Now we didn’t just throw this all on her. We slowly talked about it and made sure along the way she understood and was comfortable with our plans. Of course, she was so happy to be doing everything with us! So were we! Three weeks before the BIP we started to notice her anger towards our youngest daughter was coming back, and her attitude was different.
We figured it was because her mother just had court, and they stated that she would be sentenced June 23rd. We assumed it had to do with that. Dealt with the situation and went on with our day. She has always been very open to me about everything. Her first week in our home we sat down for 3 hours while she talked about nearly everything that she had dealt with in life. I let her talk and trust in me that she could come to me if she ever needed to talk. I have spent countless hours driving around being that listening ear for her. Never judging and always allowing her to speak.
When I decided to ask her what was going on and expecting her to open up she immediately shut down “nothing!” was the answer. It would upset me because I thought why all of the sudden would you shut me down?
Every situation that happened for the next two weeks was hectic. Our daughter was so angry or would jump to conclusions. She would express how our youngest daughter was our favorite or how I was doing things on purpose. I could see my child hurting and breaking inside. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I tried talking to her and would get shut down.
I would stay up googling what to do with an angry teenager. Yes, I know why google? Because you would be surprised on how many people are dealing with the same crap you are!
I would approach her the next morning, and she would just be very quiet. Wouldn’t say much and Kept to herself. June 23rd, 2017 comes around. Her mother sentenced seven years in prison. She breaks down feeling guilty about it. She continued blaming herself for her mother’s mistakes. I am trying to explain to her that it isn’t her fault. She isn’t liking what I am saying. I hear her say “I just need to talk to my mom.”(she calls her step grandmother “mom” someone who helped raise her and make sure she was safe when she could. ) it crushed me!
I instantly felt hurt, angry and annoyed! I am her mother! I should be the one she wants right now! I told her to give her grandmother a call and ask to go over. Even though I was hurt, I knew what she needed, and that wasn’t me. She called, but her grandmother told her no she couldn’t come over.
She ran to her room. I tried talking to her, and she just didn’t want anything to do with me.
The next day she asked if she could call her grandmother again. Again the grandmother said no. She had some personal issues to take care of.
That following day she had been a hand full. Very disrespectful and rude to our other children. I had asked our youngest to get her for dinner, and it ended up in a screaming match. She had yelled at her and told her to get out of her room. I immediately went in there and told her to eat!
By this time I am heated and so is she. She refuses to eat for dinner. So I send her to her room. I will admit I didn’t do it maturely and I do regret not being more grown up about it. At that moment all these emotions and anger had got the best of me.
The next morning I wake everyone up to do chores, and I had noticed when I went to her room she had a notebook and pen laying on the ground. Something in me knew I wasn’t going to find a positive note in that book.
I ended up finding a hate letter. How she didn’t want me to call her my daughter or even be my daughter. She didn’t want to be adopted, and she was just going to run away. She called me some pretty offensive names and said she hated our youngest daughter as well. I decided to tear them out and throw them away. I knew she was mad but now so was I. Hours had passed, and she comes into the living room asking who ripped out the papers and I said I did. They are in the trash. Before I knew it, I was calling CFYD asking for them to get her. She started screaming and stated how much she hated our house and our youngest daughter.
A child I had loved so much. Someone who meant the world to me! A child I was ready to have in my life forever!
I knew we needed space. I knew I had over reacted. What I didn’t understand is why now???? I questioned her safety. I doubted her love for us. I asked her goals with us. I questioned my parenting skills.
Where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I see the signs before this got out of control? Do I want this? Does she love us? Are we being used?
You name it; it was going through my head. I felt like a horrible person for calling CYFD to get her, but I was so worried that she was going to run away or hurt our youngest child.
We talked with CYFD, and it almost felt like I was numb to the situation. A child that I had so much love for I was ready to throw in the towel. Is it easier to run from our problems right? Both my husband and I let one evening go by we discussed we weren’t going to give up on her. Even though I was still hurt my love for her meant more!
June 30th I walked into CYFD feeling lost but ready to hear what she wanted to do. We sat down in the room together, and I remember her not saying a word. Question after question and not even any emotions coming from her. I had to step out and cry.
I felt like I had failed at that moment. I was ready to drive home and just say forget it! That’s what she wants right? I pulled myself together went back in the room and finally an answer “I want to go back with them.”
It all happened so fast. Looking back on how everything went. She was so used to people not fighting for her. It was typical for her to run away from her problems. Here we stood fighting for her to come home.
My emotions are still a little wacky right now. I am still questioning what the heck is going on, but as for now, she is home!
What happens next? I learn from my mistakes and become a better mother.
Don’t give up on your kids!